Friday, August 4, 2017

Dark shadows

"The spirit of her invincible heart guided her through the shadows" -Gabriel Garcia Marquez

When I think about, and am haunted by the shadows in my life this is where I find inspiration, and drive as a nurse.
The darkness that overtook me when I watched doctors 2 feet away tilt Alex's head to open up his tiny airway, and intubate him, his heart racing at over 300 beats per minute.
The day I understood he was behind his peers. The moment I knew this was a life long commitment of full on parenting. I will say that again, life long parenting.
The night Max had a blood sugar of 633 and nothing but reality stared in my face. Forever, until there is a cure my five year old would be fighting a disease. Laying in the hospital room crying as quietly as I could so he would see nothing but brave on his moms face. The dark shadow that surrounds me every night while I fight sleep, and try to will his blood sugars to stay above 60.
The pain of losing people I love...
I take these moments, the pain, the shadows to work. In these shadows I can meet those people in their shadows, and truly say you are not alone. This hurts, it is overwhelming, and it is fucking scary, but you are not alone. As a nurse I see people facing death, Im there when their heart stops beating. The family at a loss. The world is going to keep turning, but here is my hand.
I love being a nurse, and I am invincible from my shadows when I am a nurse. They follow me everywhere, but I am not alone, not as a nurse.