Sleep is a constant battle for me. I crave it, and it always seems to be just out of my reach. It has become a time when monstrous thoughts swarm my mind. Of course there are the simple thoughts of furthering my career, the classes I still need to take, the classes I'm in, the grades I need to make.
The biggest monster.........My boys. The normal worries that come just being a mom, you want them to succeed, do their best, explore new things, but most of all find a true inner peace, and live a happy life. Then come not only the ugliest monster thoughts, but they are a very real reality. I will jolt awake at night and wonder if Max is still breathing. Has his blood sugar dropped so low he couldn't wake up, and nature takes over from there. The medical field calls this dead in bed syndrome. Every morning I walk quietly into his room, my mind racing between shut-up he is fine to is his chest rising and falling? Day 901 of life since diagnoses.
Earlier this week he begged for a "army police" costume. He wears it constantly, his eyes light up. For no reason what so ever it hit me while I watched him play that he will never be in the army. They don't allow type one diabetics to be. Also on the list: pilot, truck driver, fire fighter........I know there are more, but it literally makes me sick to type it. We always tell our kids they can be whatever they set their minds up to be, the sky is the limit. How in the world will I ever tell him, his diabetes T1D is the limit?
For now, my job is to keep those eyes of his lit up with magic, and hope. So, I am up in the middle of the night with these thoughts, watching the rise and fall of his chest.