Last night after I left the gym the sunset was one of the most beautiful I have admired. Of course I tried to capture its beauty on my cell phone, through the bug stained windshield, and didn't quite grab the gorgeous colors I saw with my own eyes. I spent a good 15 minutes trying to capture it, all the while the sun was setting, and I realized I didn't soak it in, I didn't appreciate all that beauty because I was trying to capture it in a picture. I was trying to edit the bug stained windshield and and missed the beauty that was in front of me.
I have vivid memories of sitting in the hospital looking out the window at the world and wanting to scream at everyone who was going about their day while mine was crashing down around me. For six weeks I looked out the window of the NICU and watched everyone go about there day, the beautiful September weather suddenly felt unfriendly, and scary. Then again in November, back in the hospital with no answers, and everyone just kept on living. Thanksgiving in the hospital, and everyone went on with their plans to cook, laugh, and see family. Years later the cold January wind felt appropriate as the doctor told me my five year old had Type one diabetes, and he would forever depend on insulin to live. One day without the appropriate amount of carbohydrates and he will fall asleep and not wake up. I was staring out the window 8 years later and facing fear again. Watching the world keep spinning without me..............But it wasn't.