Thursday, March 9, 2017

Bug stained windshield and other things that are beautiful.

I have missed writing my thoughts down. This all started with me wanting to tell Alex's story, and to connect with other moms, and families touched by RTS. I didn't realize at the time that writing it all down gave me a better understanding of myself. That writing it all down is a release, to get all the monsters in my head out, just by writing down words, I am able to release the confusion, and fear, anxieties, depression, locked away in my cells where the memories try and haunt me.

Last night after I left the gym the sunset was one of the most beautiful I have admired. Of course I tried to capture its beauty on my cell phone, through the bug stained windshield, and didn't quite grab the gorgeous colors I saw with my own eyes. I spent a good 15 minutes trying to capture it, all the while the sun was setting, and I realized I didn't soak it in, I didn't appreciate all that beauty because I was trying to capture it in a picture. I was trying to edit the bug stained windshield and and missed the beauty that was in front of me.
I love taking pictures, I love having pictures, pictures are like frozen memories, or magically hitting the pause button to life, but in that moment I was reminded  that so many moments in life are fleeting, and we get caught up in everyday life. Our checklists with the kids, at our jobs, school, that we don't notice the fleeting beauty around us. Instead of enjoying the beautiful bright red sunset, I missed it entirely. If I let the fears inside my head control me I would not only miss the beauty, I would not get out into the world. I am afraid, almost every step, but why? This is it, this is my life, if I don't enjoy the now, I don't enjoy the only life I will have. Sometimes happiness is a feeling, most of the time it is a decision. What I know for sure is slowing down, even in those moments where life is tossing you around, if you take a moment to notice, you will see beauty, and with it comes happiness.
 Everyday there is beauty to soak in, it may not be in the sky, and it may be that everything around you is falling apart, but still the beauty is there. We can create the beauty when we stop checking off the to do list, and just be.  Believe me, I know how easy it is to get lost in the struggle of everyday life, and the monsters of fear, and the unknown.  Even in the murkiest of waters you will find beauty.

I have vivid memories of sitting in the hospital looking out the window at the world and wanting to scream at everyone who was going about their day while mine was crashing down around me. For six weeks I looked out the window of the NICU and watched everyone go about there day, the beautiful September weather suddenly felt unfriendly, and scary. Then again in November, back in the hospital with no answers, and everyone just kept on living. Thanksgiving in the hospital, and everyone went on with their plans to cook, laugh, and see family. Years later the cold January wind felt appropriate as the doctor told me my five year old had Type one diabetes, and he would forever depend on insulin to live. One day without the appropriate amount of carbohydrates and he will fall asleep and not wake up. I was staring out the window 8 years later and facing fear again. Watching the world keep spinning without me..............But it wasn't.
There is so much value in the moment, each moment is truly all we have, and then it becomes a memory, or even a monster. However, I believe it to be true that the smallest moments, the smiles, the laughs, the kiss,  the taste, the sounds, and yes, even the tears can be beautiful if we stop, and notice. If we stop, and really look and listen you will hear your heart is still beating, we are all still fighting. We all just made it another day, so lets appreciate it. It is fleeting, but the beauty is always there. Breathe in and out and notice this life is happening now! Oh, also, don't take pictures while you drive.

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