Monday, December 10, 2012

Tropical Escape

I hate using my shampoo as soap. When I run out of soap, what else can I do.......
Trip to the store, try a new scent!
Tropical escape sounds fabulous!
Turns out to be more post traumatic stressish.....Guess I have been attracted to the tropical escape title before. In fact it would have been September 9, 2007, about 1:00 in the afternoon. That brain is a sneaky organ! I went to the store to buy what I needed to move into the NICU, at the time I thought I (would be watching him die.)

Suddenly my warm shower turns into a flood of sickening feelings and emotions. I'm ok, Alex is ok, deep breath, except there is that smell again......It is ok, remember that time I think to myself, when I forgot to grab a towel, of course didn't know until I'm dripping wet. Stick my head out the door? No, not comfortable asking the doctor to grab me a towel on his way to resuscitate someone. Hmmmm, stand here until I dry? Aaahhhh, paper towels! Not so bad, little scratchy. Enough to open my c-section incision a bit. Ain't no thang!
Yes, funny thoughts. That helps. I'm ok, Alex is ok, Max is ok, my big boys they are ok. We made it! Deep breaths, and time to smell this tropical escape. Life is good.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

In my minds eye.......................

In my minds eye I see this blog as a place to grieve, and a place to heal.

          There are times that I recognize a moment that isn't normal/typical for Alex. For example our family freezing at the Santa parade, yes parade, Alex hates parades. They are boring, and unless they can be constant marching bands they are pointless to him. When Alex is bored, he gets loud.       Since Alex doesn't speak words his loud is a series of growls, and moans. Add to the fact that it was FREEZING out, it was unpleasant to say the least. We stood there waiting for Santa. Not too far into the wait I heard the kids behind us mocking Alex. They were pretty young too, maybe 8? I was torn between holding them up against the bank wall by their throats, and yelling at their parents. Don't worry, I didn't do either. It was OK. We were OK. I have random feelings of anger, sadness, but there is hope, and so much more happiness. I don't grieve it. I AM OK. He is perfect. So yes, I recognize the moments things are different for us, for Alex. The grief is gone, this is normal.
I miss blogging though, so I'm going to change my perception of this place.
It is now a place where I will share happy moments, sad moments, and of course I will speak frankly about life with 4 kids, and life with Alex.
When Alex was first here with us I wanted so badly for him to be different. In my minds eye, I wanted my old life back. Life was HARD at first with the hospital stays, the feedings, oh my goodness the feedings, the throw up, the surgeries. I wanted to protect him, and I will be honest I wanted to protect myself. I cant even relate to that anymore. I know it was true, I can hardly believe that it was a truth for me.
These past five years I have been completely changed by this kid.

It is that time of year again. The local junior high kids are being asked to live a new way, see people differently. Click here to watch........

Thank you Turner students, I know so many of you will have Alex's back!