Sunday, April 4, 2010

I cant believe this happened.

In ER getting ready to go by ambulance. In ambulance.
He looks so scared.

but was so tired. Waiting to see neuro team. Still so tired, and cold.

Asleep in PICU. Brace on, head aligned, but still favoring his left side.

First smiles since accident, Saturday morning.

Home from hospital, with hospital hair, washing hospital off!

Easter Sunday, playing as best he could.

Crawled through the door! First crawls since accident.

Back at one of his favortie windows, yes there is a screen.

Doesnt seem like a good idea to me with a C1 neck injury, but at that time no complaints of pain.

I want to not feel guilt and say accidents happen, but accidents is when your child opens the door and then falls, not when mom, protector leaves the door open. I might as well hung a neon sign outside saying this way Alex!! I think if Wednesdays appt goes well, and I hear Alex will be ok, go home, I can let go of some guilt, but for now I will hang onto it thank you very much. I want to relax and sigh and say we are home, but the thought of the doctor sending us back to the hospital on Wednesday is like a growing weed in my heart. Alex is another boy in the hospital, and I am a mess with him in pain, scared, and my other boys at home. Obviously what is best for Alex is what we will do, what we have to do. The weight of this thought is such a burden. I am constantly stretching and turning Alex's neck. One of his therapists came out tonight, showed me some things to do, and told me not to do it too much or I would make his other muscles sore. So I have to relax a bit, and hope. Ugh, I hate hope. I like to pretend I'm in control instead.
The sounds in the PICU are much the same as the sounds in the NICU. I knew the sound of the portable xray machine before it passed by the window. The alarms, the nurses laughing in the midst of all the tragedy. I hate it all. So does Alex.

Friday I packed a lunch and my mom and I took the boys to the park. It was the perfect day, going into the perfect weekend. The first Easter Alex could really enjoy. One minute the nice breeze was flowing through the house, I was making baby food, and I heard Alex crying, I started towards his room, then heard the cry coming from behind me, I turned and saw those opened sliding glass doors, the ones that will soon lead out to our deck, but right now, lead to a 3 foot drop onto dirt. Soft dirt. I did not see Alex fall, but I'm pretty sure he just crawled right out, not knowing what would happen. Once at the ER the doctors could not really figure out what was wrong, they ordered xrays of his arms, legs, ribs, and head. While we waited on those I noticed that Alex would not turn his head straight or to the right. I told the doctors and a CT of his neck was ordered. This is when we heard that his C1 vertebrae was fractured. Had a big storm not been right on top of us they would have airlifted him to Peoria, the top Neuro hospital in central, south Illinois. We took the 1 hour 45 minute ambulance ride to the hospital.ALex was so tired from crying for two solid hours, and it was his bed time. The neuro doc that read his CT said he was not convinced it was a fracture. We finally got to our PICU room. Alex slept as best he could among the blood pressure checks, and nurses laughing in the hall. The next morning after getting 45 minutes of sleep, I saw Dr. "spine" who called it a dislocation of C1 vertebrae. He said he wanted us to stay in the hospital for therapy, and I lost it. Ugly cry lost it. He asked me if I was comfortable doing therapy at home. I told him that's all I ever do. I then said I want to do what is best for Alex, and if staying there was, then we should stay. Obviously if the doctor didn't think Alex should go, it wouldn't have been an option. We came home Saturday night, tired, and Alex in a lot of pain. The Valium has helped him sleep at night. Today, the pain is still there, but he had quite a few moments of playing and being happy. I know, that he would have missed out on these moments had we stayed in the hospital, and that is therapy in itself. I have been doing lots of stretches on his neck, and walking him around a bit. Our appointment with Dr. "spine" is Wednesday, if he is happy with the improvements we go home with orders to wear the brace for a certain length of time. If he is not happy with the improvement we go back into the hospital and will endure traction. This is when they hang weights from your head to realign things. I cant even imagine Alex going through that. There will be an update Wednesday.I am so thankful that we are all sleeping in our beds, under the same roof, and even more grateful that Alex is going to be ok. C1 vertebrae is protecting the part of the spine that controls breathing. This could have been so much worse.


Kelly said...

I know it was hard to write all that down but I know it was good to get it out.

I love you and Alex so much and I hope that Wednesday is great news!


Alicia said...

Jessica, I am so glad things were not any worse. I am sorry Alex is in pain. I am sorry you are in pain too. I am praying for Wednesday's appt to go well and all Alex will need is therapy and a neck brace for a while. Hang in there Mama.

Hugs, prayers, and love...

Anonymous said...

Hi Jessica-
I am so sorry this has happened to you guys. Looking at the pictures of Alex, I am sure that everything is going to be alright. I know this is all very scary, but you and Alex are going to get through this. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. If you need, I can come down this week and help you out. Just let me know -
Love you guys,

Christine said...

Ahhh JEssica,
I am so sorry that this has happened. Thanks for updating us with his progress and sharing all your thoughts. I was crying on Saturday and checking facebook as often as I could because I wanted to know how Alex was doing.
I hope and continue to pray that Wednesday will be good news for Alex and that perhaps you can let go of the guilt. I love you and Alex so much. Miss you my friend.


The VW's said...

Poor little man, but look at him......he's amazing! What a tough guy!

I know that you will hang onto the guilt, because that's what us Momma's do, but this could have happened to ANYONE! You are a great Momma, Jessicia! There is no doubt about this!

I'll be praying and thinking of you! Praying that you get great news on Wednesday!

I'm so happy that Alex is doing as well as he is! This is a huge blessing! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Dorsey said...

Accidents happen even with the best of Mom's on duty. Something very similiar happened to us. Our little one (at the time) was throwing dog bones out the door to the neighbors dog and went with the bone. She landed on wooden steps that were laying flat on the ground (construction going on). After spending the day in the ER we stopped for a fast food dinner and when Ashley saw her face in the mirror in the restroom, she screamed bloody murder. It was bad and I felt so time I was able to let it go. I'll be praying for good news on Wed.

Finding Normal said...

I'm praying for you right now. Praying for that nasty guilt to leave quickly. Praying for Alex and his health. Every day accidents happen even to the Warrior Mamas, who hold themselves to a higher standard. We are not immune. Just yesterday, Addison got ahold of her foil-wrapped Easter bunny and ended up with a hunk of foil in her airway. Thank goodness for my husband's thumb, because I was digging and digging and not getting anything out. I saw her with the bunny, took it away, and didn't even notice the piece of foil missing. It could be so much worse...
Anyway, lifting you up in prayer.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you and Alex. But so very, very happy you were able to come home. Every body lets their guard down for a moment. (Even us great Mom's)My son was 2 when he tipped boiling water down his chest All 3 kids had whooping cough. I was making a bottle to take the baby to the Doctor. He received 2nd degree burns over 50% of his chest. So, I know the guilt you feel. The dressing changes he had to endure (Remember he also had whooping cough, and yes he had his vaccinations) It was one of the most trying times of my life. My doctor was great. Told me my son was fine. But was more concerned for me. I just sat there and sobbed.


Cindy said...

I'm glad you wrote it helps to let it go. And it's something any one of us could have also done because we're all human and make mistakes. I pray that Alex responds well to your therapy and Dr. Spine is impressed and gives you the news you want to hear. Praise God something worse didn't happen.

Sherry C said...

I'm so happy to see that he is playing on well on his way to feeling better. He is one amazing boy.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. My Ashley was hurt last week too I was helping her to walk on the driveway and was distracted by her 8 year old brother he was playing and ball and I watching him but holding her as she started falling I never took my hands off her as she started to fall I was trying to catch her but too late she landed on her four head and a goose egg appeared followed by a nasty bruise. We went to the clinic and she is fine and happily ate a happy meal and played that evening. But I felt guilty too she needed my attention at that moment not her brother. Please don't be to hard on yourself.

Brandi said...

Alex, you and the rest of your family have been on the forefront of my mind since I got the news on Saturday night. Looking at the first few pictures in today's post made me cry. Yes, he does look scared...the whole thing looks scary.

Then...there was yesterday's pictures... He is so resilient, wanting to play and do the things that he loves to do. It's so encouraging to see him do what he wanted to do.

Ahhh...the PICU. My heart started racing and I felt like I was there with you. Those awful alarm sounds, the portable xray, and the nurses. Too many memories.

I'm glad you are home and I hope you get to stay home after Wednesday.

Love you Jess!

Michelle said...

I can't imagine what you're going through! I prayed for you and your family as soon as I read on facebook that there was an accident. I'm so glad you are able to be more comfortable at home and not holed up in the hospital. Praying for a successful appt. on Wednesday!

Angelica mom to JesusRTS said...

I'm not very good with putting my feeling into words but i just wanted to let you know that i have been thinking of alex and your family from the time i heard what happend. i have been so worried about you all and i have cried and prayed for you! thank you for updating us, i hope that you get great news on wednesday! i'm praying for a quick recovery!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I am so relieved that Alex is home, and I hope that Dr Spine says he can continue at home with you doing therapy. I can't imagine how scared you must have been. Alex does look very scared in the top pictures, but the bottom ones show his true spirit.

I will be thinking of you both on Wednesday.

Groceries said...

I know it's hard not to blame yourself, and I'll spare you the reasons why you shouldn't. I am just very glad that he's back home where he's comfortable, and his injury isn't nearly as bad as it could have been. I'm also very glad I got to meet him, even if it wasn't the best of circumstances. Hang in there, Mama, you'll both get through this! =)

connie said...

I was thinking of what Dr. B commented when I confessed to letting Mallorie FALL OFF THE COUCH - for the 2nd time! (Onto her nose, which she'd just had surgery on.) She said that it's a rite of parenthood and we shouldn't feel so badly. I think in their practice, among their own kids, they've had all the things happen that we feel we need to be immune to. Getting into medicines, falls, etc. I know you try to be the best for Alex, and I also know that you ARE the best for him, and this doesn't change anything. God cares for him when you can't. And you still shine. :) I love you. I will keep praying for Wednesday.