Thursday, December 10, 2009

I surrender!

Yep, I surrender! Not I am defeated, or I give up...............
When Alex was born, and I had that awful talk with the geneticist. I made it my one, and only mission to get the boy to talk, get the boy to eat, get the boy to grow, get the boy to not have RTS.
If I prayed the right prayer he wouldn't have RTS, and his thumbs would straighten. If I read enough books to Alex, he would talk, if I shoved the bottle in his mouth enough he would drink, if I fed him all day long he would grow.
Well, he aspirated his bottles, and got pneumonia, scrap that, and we have the feeding tube! His thumbs are still adorable, and angulated. Dang, that didn't work either!
Then I focused on talking, and growing.
Slowly but surely he is growing, is it because of me feeding him everything I could?
Nope, he grows when he grows. Now I must say that without our nutritionist guiding us, he wouldn't have grown as well, but still she finds him a bit of a growing mystery.
There are weeks he does great at eating, and drops in weight, there are weeks he is sick, and throws up a TON, and gains weight.
Then the talking, the one we all stress over the most, yes, we still read to Alex, yes I still hope he will talk, but will it be because I read 100 different books to him before kindergarten, a great idea for all kids I might add.
No, if Alex is programmed to talk he will, and if its not with his voice he will find his own way. Just like he has with everything else.
I surrender!
Alex is who he is, I will still help him do his very best, and he will continue to help me do my very best, but I'm not going to worry, and wish, and think I can make him who he isn't. I don't try and change my other children, well, lets just say I cant change who they are. Alex is no different, he is who he is, he doesnt need to be fixed, and he will achieve his very best.
I surrender, and I let go of worry, and wishing.
Here is to watching in amazement!
Here is to hope, and not wishing and worrying!
As my RTS sister says....CHEERS!


Alicia said...

Surrender, in this particular sense of the word, is an awesome thing!! I am so glad you have reached this point. That is not to say it won't be difficult, but you have come to a greater acceptance. Wonderful!

Bless you friend!

mr.mask said...

Jessica, you are so brave for surrendering. You are so right. Alex will talk with his own voice in one way or anotherwhen his brain is ready.

Yes, he is a mystery because he has RTS. RTS is a mystery. If it wasn't a mystery, then there would be ways to fix it's manifestations.

My church has prayed and prayed and prayed for Nathan EVERY DAY since he was born, yet he still gets sick, has surgeries and is still greatly delayed. I don't know that I will ever understand why God doesn't just heal him. For Pete's sake, there have been millions of prayers said for him, shouldn't that be enough? But what I do know is that many people's lives are being changed by Nathan and all of his challenges.

Bird is growing, thriving, and making progress. He is changing people's lives as well. I have found that change isn't always welcomed in our lives, especially when in comes in a different package than we were expecting. If we except the package we were given in the way it was meant to be, then maybe we could see it's beauty and allow it to change us in the way God intended.

I love you friend. Thank you for your honesty and commitment.

The VW's said...

I just posted about something similiar. Gavin should be doing so much more and it makes me sad, but there is nothing that I can do about it! I have to surrender too and just be happy with how God made Gavin!

Some days it's very easy for me to surrender and other days it's just so hard! Hang in there Momma! HUGS!!!

Terri H-E said...

Cheers, indeed. Our job is about exposure and laying things in our kids' paths. THEY will take them up if they are able and if they choose. And it is gorgeous to behold when you do what you have done - given over to the way things are. It creates openings for pride and amazement and victories that would otherwise be obscured by worry and a flurry of bargaining, planning, DOING.

Of all your posts, this makes me the happiest. I am excited about the peace and creativity this kind of understanding brings.

Cheers, Jessica.

Cindy said...

Amen! Alex will surprise you when he's ready, and it will be so much sweeter because you're not expecting it!

Kerri H said...

Cheers to you friend! I needed to hear that today! Most of the time I think I do pretty good at the not worrying and wishing but then there are those RTS days..where I find myself in tears! Logan has already suprised with some pretty sweet skills I never thought possible at his young age! The greatest feeling! We're so proud of our Logie and all our sweeties!!

Finding Normal said...

Exhale. Feels good, right? So glad I've found that place of surrender, too!

Cathy said...

I had lost your blog address when i changed computers. I love see pictures of you cute guys. Thankk you for posting on FB.

Angelica mom to JesusRTS said...

I hope i get to that point sometime were i can completely surrender some days i feel i already have while others i just dont want to.

Jacqui said...

Surrender is a place that can only be compared to the "green pasture and still waters". A good place to be.