Monday, August 31, 2009

Cruisin

Alex has started to choose cruising over crawling in certain areas of the house, places he feels secure enough to do so.

He even rounds the corners with speed.
Things are so busy in our house with school, and homework. Fall soccer, baseball, and swimming are starting soon. Keeping up with the laundry, and Alex I'm so tired, and don't have a lot to say. I can say that not hooking Alex up at night to that pump is a huge burden off of our shoulders. He continues to eat like a teenager, and has been such a happy boy these past few weeks.
So many people ask me if I'm getting excited. For the first time as a mother, I don't know how I feel, I want to be excited, I don't want to think about the baby being whisked away to the NICU, and finding tubes and alarms to be my reality. I want to hear that lullaby music filling the hospital halls when my baby is born, and not be haunted by it when every other mom gets to hold their baby, while mine struggles to breath a flight of stairs above me. Then of course with their good hearts people tell me everything will be ok, but no one knows what will happen. I recall hearing that everything would be ok with Alex, and I put all my hope into that. So my answer is I want to be excited, but that's all I can say.


13 comments:

Alicia said...

It's OK to feel how you are feeling. I would too. I won't tell you "it'll be ok" because you are right, no one knows. Just know that I am here for you no matter what happens and I am hoping and praying that everything will be just fine. Not only fine, but pure joy!

Way to go Alex, way to keep your (very preggo) mama on her toes!! You look great!

Rebecca Jo said...

Alex looks so grown up there!!!!

The VW's said...

Look at you go Alex!!! What a wonderful achievement! Watch out Momma, he is going to keep you very busy!

I'll be praying for you Jessica! I can totally understand what you must be feeling. Once you have a child that is born with special needs, that blissful feeling of "everything will be ok", just goes out the window. Once you go through what we've gone through, reality takes the place of innocence. I'll be praying that your new little one will be snuggling in your arms very soon! LOVE, HUGS AND PRAYERS!!!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Look at him go! He amazes me constantly. He is always doing new things. Go Alex!

I can only imagine how mixed your emotions are, and how relieved you will feel when the baby is here. I hope and pray that all is fine and you get to cuddle this little one while listening to lullabies. :)

Kelly said...

Way to go Alex!! You look so big taking that corner! Kelly F

Brandi said...

I'm amazed at your incredible strength Alex! One of these days you will let go of that wall and run around with your big brothers, it will be so much fun!

Jessica, I know I would be right where you are. I am a big fan of being "o.k." with where you are any moment in time. You have every reason to feel the way you do.

I am going to stand in the gap for you and have hope for a healthy baby. I have found when I don't have much hope for Nathan's issues that I have to rely on other people's faith and and confidence that he will be o.k. Many times, it has been your faith and hope that has helped me get through a storm.

Continue to be o.k with where you are. In a short time the whole story will unfold and we will all be waiting to hear all about it.

I think about you several times every day. Big hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Sweet Jesssica,

That boy is really moving. Such huge advances. I'm so proud of him and of you.

I love you!

Try to rest a little today. I know it is hard to shut out the difficult memories and I am praying for peace for your heart.

Love, Aunt Mary

Kelly said...

I get it Jessica. I understand your fears.
Tell Alex to keep on movin...he will need to out run this baby!!

Kelly

Kristi said...

Jessica,
I just went through the exact feelings before I had Nick. It was so hard for me with Noah being my first born. I wanted so much to be excited but instead I was terrified. Just know that I understand and I'm praying and thinking of you.. great job Alex.

angie said...

I am so excited for you....but I COMPLETELY understand your feeling too. I was right there when I was pregnant with Owen. Unfortunately, after having a child with special needs....parental naitivity (like my terminology?) goes out the window.

HOWEVER, I do believe that Emma has helped me to realize to not take one moment for granted with Owen (or with her of course). I cherish every "normal" thing that owen does....on his own. It still floors me that he learns to do those things without the help of 5 therapists.

OK, I am babbling! I am feeling the excitement for you:). WHEW!! Any day now Mama! I can SEE the finish line:).

And Alex.....what can I say about you little man?? You are AMAZING!! You are going to be running toward your OWN finish line very soon:).

Can't wait to "meet" baby #4!!!!

Finding Normal said...

Love the cruising! He looks like such a big boy, about ready to let go!
As for wanting to be excited, I'd be just like you. I hope someday to be just like you. Hang in there. You're almost there!

Jason and Vanessa said...

I love getting to celebrate with you guys when Alex does something new! Keep it up cute boy!

I also don't know how to feel this pregnancy. In a lot of ways it feels just like the first time all over again. I'm scared don't really know what to expect. Then it's more than that. I really don't think I will totally be at peace until I'm holding my crying baby in my arms. I just know way too much now and too much knowledge in this case is not a good thing.

I will be praying for you as you get closer and closer to having this sweet baby.

Love ya,
Vanessa

Tarah said...

He looks so grown up! It will be crazy to see how much older he will look once the baby comes.

I'm praying and thinking about you everyday waiting for that sweet little baby to come on Friday!