Sunday, July 19, 2009

Im his mamma

That was me.

I watched for three long hours as they put a picc line in Alex my new born baby, 5 different tries, LOTS of blood, and finally success in his neck.

I watched the doctor tilt his head back, open his mouth, and stick a tube into his airway so he could breath.

I saw countless blood draws for blood gasses.

I watched him cry while intubated, no sound could come out, but tears came out of his eyes.

I watched him struggle to breath, able to count every rib in his side because he was trying so hard to get the air he needed.

I watched him lay there for two weeks before I was able to hold him once.

I watched his BPM (beats per minute) on the monitor reach 200 while he had pulmonary hypertension.

I got used to the alarm going off because his O2 levels were to low.

I learned how to stick a tube into his nose, down his throat, and into his stomach so I could feed him.

I kissed him goodbye for his malrotation of the intestines surgery, and then went and ate lunch with my husband, like it was any other day..........................

I was NICU ROCK, I was already laid out on the ground, knocked down from the diagnosis, and all that I had witnessed.

It has almost been two years.

He isn't Alexander Jon Pruitt (Room 1849) to me.

He is Bird, Albie.

He loves to snuggle,

he loves to read books,

he loves to laugh,

he loves to lay on his pillow,

he loves pressing buttons,

he loves his music cube,

he loves peek a boo, and patty cake.
He loves the wind in his face.

He LOVES his mamma.

His brothers can always make him laugh.

He loves his bath,
he loves to explore,
he loves to sit on his bottom, and go around in a circle on the kitchen floor,

He loves chocolate chip muffins.

He loves cell phones.

I really don't want to do this.
Im NOT the the ROCK that I was.
Im his mamma.


Our Journey said...

so sweet!!! LOVE YOU ALEX!!

Loveday's Day said...

I'm sure you really don't won't do to this. I will be praying for your strength and for Alex. He is such the CUTIE!

Kelly said...

I love you and I get it...


Skinners said...

This touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

I love you and your little man, Alex.

I read your blog every time I check Luke’s.

~ Luke’s Aunt Cindy

Finding Normal said...

This made me cry. Then I rubbed my eye and my contact fell out. UGH.

Anyway, I'm praying for you. The rock is still in there. It's just harder to find because it's covered in hugs and kisses. That's doesn't ease your anxiety, so I'll just say (again) that I'm praying.

Kristi said...

Thinking of you and will be on Monday

Alicia said...

Just so you know, you don't have to be the rock. It is OK to feel not OK about all this. It is OK to be scared. It is OK to feel like you want to crumble. Alex loves you either way.

That said, I agree with Debbie that "the ROCK" is still in there, just deeper down now. I have faith that you will find her tomorrow and she'll handle things like a pro. I also have faith that things will go well and Alex will be just fine.

Praying for you all and please know that I am there with you in spirit.

Brandi said...

Ahh, it's only 10:00 a.m. and I am in tears already this morning after reading your post. I'm with you sister. You are his mama, a strong one at that. You may not feel that way at the moment, but you are.

connie said...

Oh, I know, Jessica. :( You've gone through too much to remain a rock for any length of time. I know it felt like it was how we had to be, but now is when I'll be praying for God to be your Rock. It's what my OB was trying to tell me while Mal was in the hosp at a year old. He will have to do it for you this time. I am praying for you to feel strongly held, and have a sense of Alex being gently covered by God's hands and being given His kisses during the surgery, when you are unable to cover him with yours.

He loves Alex every bit as much, and more, than even you do. Hard to believe anyone could, I KNOW. But I believe He does. And He is strong. Believe me, I am praying, just as you prayed me through. I won't forget.

The VW's said...

I'll be praying for you and your sweet boy! Like Connie said, make God your rock. Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Kelly said...

I'm about to post prayer for your son. I want you to know that I was just talking about this to my BFF last night (not your son in particular) but I told her that I was strong when Harper was in the NICU because I loved her so much but I didn't "know" her. Now if anything happened to her or she had to be in the hospital - it would kill me because I KNOW her now. She's not just a baby I just met - she's my sweet smiley girl who I recognize her cries and her personality.
I'm praying for you.

Anonymous said...

My love and my prayers are with you on Monday. I am praying for everything to go smoothly and that there will not be any problems. I pray for strength for you and peace. I wish I could be there tomorrow. I will be waiting to hear. I pray God will give the Pruitt family sweet sleep tonight. I love you, Aunt Mary

Jacqui said...

I completely agree with the others who say that its really OK not to be the ROCK, and to let Jesus be your ROCK. It feels frightening to be in that place of weakness and feeling that you are not in control - but that is the moment when strength from Outside us becomes available. Will be praying for you and your GORGEOUS boy! HUGS

Sara said...

I've been in these same shoes with surgery. You don't have to be the rock; rely on others for today. Rely on US. Thinking and praying for you and Alex today....

Karen said...

Praying for your little Bird today. God Bless your family.
Love, From Wisconsin