Monday, May 4, 2009

To Noah and Joel.




I remember the first time I felt my relationship shift with my older boys. It was the day of Alex's malrotation surgery. I had spent the night at home, and we had to leave early that morning to be there in time to see Alex off to surgery. Joel was on the floor of his bedroom, and he seemed mad at me, I was leaving again, and I didn't know when I would be back. I could tell he was upset, but I had to go, surgery wouldn't wait. I kissed his head with tears in my eyes, and told him I loved him, and left. I knew in that moment that things had changed, that the way it used to be was gone.


Noah and Joel you have adjusted to all the care that Alex needs. For the first year he took up all of my time, and you were ok with it. You have always been happy, sweet boys. You had lost something, but you did ok, and made it through that year smiling, and laughing.
They don't ask me to play, or to read anymore. They assume Ill be too busy with Alex, or too tired. They are used to me saying I cant. I miss our time together, I miss them asking.

Things have lightened up a bit, and as your mom I have to make the first move, start a new normal for you.

I'm sorry boys it has been such a change for you, and you have handled it like little men. Your spirits are still sweet, and laughter still fills your mouths. I have never stopped loving you, never stopped missing you. I love you both so much, and Im ready to hear you ask.




Lets go play......

12 comments:

Christine said...

You are such a good mom Jessica. Balance between all kids in the family is hard at times, but especially when one has special needs.

Finding Normal said...

I was totally not going to cry this morning. Yeah. Thanks. LOL
I worry so much about how Addison's needs have affected Noah. Changed him. And then I worry that I should do more for Addison. Gotta love Mommy Guilt!
I hope you find that balance. It sure is hard!

Kelly said...

That brought tears to my eyes. You are such a good momma!!

Kelly W.

The VW's said...

Children adjust so much easier than we do as adults. They are learning life lessons and they have a great Momma! They will be just fine!

Misty Rice said...

Awe pull tears out of my eyes already this morning why don't you.

Children are amazing beings. I felt such huge amounts of guilt when I couldn't do things last summer with my 7 year old because I was very sick through my entire pregnancy, and then still couldn't because now it was because I had a 'newborn' to attend to.

I miss those days too a lot.... but I am also very thankful for my NOW and my patient, kind, sweet and loving little big man.

Great post mommy to your little men

trista said...

Jeez, I really didn't need any more tears! :)
Now go play and love on those boys!

Lacey said...

I can't believe how good my other boys have been since Jax. They are almost like little men know, having to grow up way to soon.

Marissa said...

Great letter to your little men. All your boys know you love them very much. I can tell. You are doing great.

Have fun playing,

Alicia

Michelle said...

I come and read and I sit speechless, as I'm sure many of us do. I want to give you encouragement and comforting words...but I realize most of the time, your words echo my own thoughts. I guess we just have to pray and know God has a handle on all of it. Hopefully our children will know and exhibit the love we share through our special needs journey. I can tell through your pictures that your boys do. Give yourself a pat on the back. In His Love, Michelle

Kristi said...

Let me swallow the big lump I have in my throat and wipe away my tears. That was such a great post.

tm in oh said...

children have an amazing way of seeing the world so different then we adults do ~ they adjust and accept and PLAY! we do what we can and give it to the Lord. HE knows and He CARES! you are not alone and neither is your family . . they know you love them and they love you!
but, thanks for the reminder to enjoy my girls :)

Kenzie said...

Jessica-
That just breaks my heart for you and my eyes are filled with tears. I know that it is a constant struggle- the boys are so strong and sweet and wonderful. They love their brother with everything and I am always amazed at how helpful they always seem. I know things have changed for them, they have for all of you... they change whether the baby is healthy or sick, alive or not... Yes, they lose some things but they have also gained many things too. You are such an AWESOME MAMA and they are so blessed to see your love and dedication, not just to Alex but to your whole family. You are precious and no doubt they will understand God on such a different level because of your love.

Keep going sister!

Love lots,
Kenzie