Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Frozen

Alex in my belly.
This is it! My last day of ignorant bliss. You see, I'm frozen in time, to the night I found out that I am pregnant, my mind hasn't really followed along with this pregnancy. Part of it is fear, ok most of it is fear, and I just cant seem to get my mind to catch up with the pregnancy. I'm frozen. With all my boys I was making lists of names at this point, picking out clothes thinking about paint colors, an due dates. But I'm frozen.

Tomorrow morning I go into the doctor at 8:00 am central time for my sonogram. I will be 22 weeks pregnant. The same high risk doctor that did all my 3D scans with Alex will be doing this scan. No one suspects that there is or will be a problem, they are just making me comfortable, and being extra careful.

It was this sonogram that the cyst was found on Alex's tummy/umbilical cord, it was this time they noticed his short femurs, and my abundance of amniotic fluid.
It was that sonogram that began this new normal.

To be honest, I don't want to go in at all, I would rather just meet the baby when he/she is born. I'm worried their will be something wrong, I'm worried they might suspect something, and then cause worry for no reason. I used to be a need to know person, and still am I guess, but not with this.

So many people ask me if I have found out what we are having, if we are going to find out, is it a boy or a girl, as if that is the only thing to be concerned about when one is pregnant. I haven't given it one thought to what we are having, I don't have an instinct, and I honestly can say I just want healthy.

I just want my ignorant bliss...........I don't want my world turned upside down, inside out.

I will be twittering all day tomorrow, so you can know my every move.


15 comments:

Finding Normal said...

You know I'm there with you in spirit. I doubt I can get twitter at school, but I'll check in as soon as I get home!
Think good thoughts. Or just stick your fingers in your ears and say "LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAA I can't hear you." through the whole thing. Your OB will be amazed at your maturity and mothering skillz.

Marissa said...

Oh Jessica, I wish there was something I could say to make it all easier for you. I will be checking in on you often tomorrow. You will be in my prayers, as you always are.

Hugs Sister,

Alicia

boltefamily said...

Praying for peace and perfection! Sending love your way!

The VW's said...

I'll be praying for you! Think peaceful thoughts! Hang in there!

Kristi said...

Jessica,
I really truly understand. I have been frozen like you say through most of this pregnancy. At 35 weeks it has just hit me "oh my gosh I'm having another baby" I am so unorganized and unprepared at this point. My advice to you is take something with you to the appt that is special to you, hold it in your hand the whole time. When you get scared think of Alex, hold the special something and know that everything will be ok. When I went to my appt Noah was with me and he helped me through my fear. Love u girl and I will be thinking about you all day.

Staci said...

Praying for you to have peace before, during, and after. Praying that the only thing you have to worry about for this baby after the scan tomorrow is names, paint, and due date. I'll be checking twitter tomorrow.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I am praying for healthy. (((hugs)))

Rebecca Jo said...

Its totally understandable of your nerves... take deep breaths... it'll be alright - no matter WHAT - it'll be alright!

you've got people you've never met praying for you as you see your new babies face!!!

Michelle said...

praying...will keep praying

Terri H-E said...

The defrost is coming tomorrow. And it will be good, no matter what. I wish for you that tomorrow begins the eviction of worry and that moving in day for Joy follows swiftly.

Good things are coming to you, Jessica. They are out there.

angie said...

I am thinking positive thoughts....and crossing all of my fingers and toes:). I know what a scary day it is, but I hope that it will allow you to feel that you can just sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, and the miracle growing inside:). I'll be sitting right there next to you in spirit.

Chris and Emily said...

Praying for you tomorrow.

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

Hi Jessica, and your whole family! WOW little Alex has grown!!!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW BABY!!
trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...

(easier said than done- I know!
WE WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU :)
God Bless & Keep you in His Perfect Peace
Love,
Elijah's mommy

Sara said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow! Best of luck!

And I agree with you....boy or girl, it doesn't matter. Health does. :)

Sara

trista said...

You'll do great tomorrow. You are so much stronger than that ultrasound! And hey, if it makes you feel better, don't look. :)
Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!