Monday, April 27, 2009

Can I be honest????

I have reached a point where I am happy with everything surrounding Alex's diagnosis of RTS. Im at peace with it. Sure there are moments that sting, sometimes when I see another child his age, and I wonder what could have been, but then all it takes is one look at Alex, and I love it the way it is. Those moments that sting are so few these days, I can say I'm at peace.
BUT, can I be honest???
I don't want to have another baby with a syndrome, or major health issues. I don't want another NICU stay, I don't want to hand my baby over to a stranger for tests, and surgeries. I don't want a diagnosis. I have heard other moms say that they don't care if their baby has a diagnosis, but can I be honest? I cant say that, I do care, I don't want anything but healthy. I want milestones to be reached on time, I want to see my baby suck and swallow, breathe on its own, I don't want a geneticist anywhere near me or my baby, I don't want ventilators, I don't want Nitric oxide, I don't want helicopters, and neonatologist.
How can I say I love Alex just the way he is, but I don't want another child with anything but a typical diagnosis. I don't know how I can say it, but I can. If I can be honest.
In 10 days I will have my ultrasound. can I be honest? I don't want to have one at all, I could not go to the doctor at all, and live in blissful ignorance.
That's just if I can be honest..............

17 comments:

Brandi said...

Your sheer honesty about your journey with Alex is what has helped me learn to be honest with myself and others about Nathan. Prior to talking to you for the very first time, I hid most of my thoughts and feelings about how I felt about Nathan's diagnosis. I am like you, I love Nathan sooooooo much, but tubes, doctor's, hospitals, surgeries and all of the things that come with our little guys tends to cause a lot of grief and stress. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Your experience with Alex's birth is something that no mother would want to go through ever again, nor should she have to. One is enough!
I wish I could be there with you in ten days!

Luke's Mom said...

Your honesty is refreshing! Who would want anything but a healthy child, don't get me wrong, I too have a special child. He can not walk, talk, eat through his mouth, he has lung and brain damage and I wouldn't trade him for any other child in the world. He's my Lukie boy! That said, I would love if he could walk and talk again and I don't lose faith that can happen through a miraculous touch from God, but realize that is the only way it will ever happen.

I'm praying that God will give you the desires of your heart and that the precious baby growing inside you will be perfectly healthy. God bless you.

Kelly said...

I am glad you made it to the other side of the diagnosis!! Yippee...

I completely understand wanting a healthy baby. That may be why I think AnnaKate may be an only child. That needs to be discussed in our counseling session coming up in June...

Kelly W.

The VW's said...

"Honesty is the best policy" and I'm sure that many can relate to your feelings and get comfort knowing they aren't the only ones who feels the way that you do.

Of course, Living in bliss would be nice too though! :)

Hailey said...

Praying for a healthy baby!

Marissa said...

Wow.

Of course you would come to a point where you accept Alex just the way he is. Of course you would love him because of the way he is, not in spite of it. And, of course you would pray for a healthy baby now. Of course you would not WANT all those things that happened to Alex. Who would? You are a wonderful mama and you only want the best for your kids. Just because you don't want anything to go wrong with your new baby does not make your love and acceptance for Alex any less. I am glad you can be honest.

I understand not wanting to have the ultrasound. Easier said than done but try to leave it in God's hands. After all, He already knows the path your new baby's life will take.

Hugs,

Alicia

Terri H-E said...

Now, I know you know we all keep coming back partly because of your adorable boys, but mostly because of your candid retelling of what it's like to be their mom. Your honesty, as others have said, inspires us all. You are a wonderful mom.

Loving Alex the way he is and not wanting the same issues for another of your children are not mutually exclusive feelings. They are true for me, too. We were pregnant briefly after Addie (lost the baby at 12 weeks) and I found myself certain I was not ready for more of the same. Did not want it. But I let myself think about the possibility. I had planned to make peace with it, knowing there are so many mentors out there, so many with more than one child with differences, with things that require more of a parent. I knew there were those out there that could hold me up until I could stand on my own. I knew I would not fold, but I knew I didn't want it in the least.

Go ahead, plan on a healthy child without issues. You deserve to think joyful thoughts right now. Let yourself, especially now that you've declared your truth.

Sending you peaceful vibes...

Lacey said...

Its not bad at all. You see other kids and say, I just want a healthy baby, it doesn't make you love Alex any less. We all wish for healthy kids.

Cathy said...

We will be praying that you don't have to encounter any of these things. Alex is your special child and will pray your next chld will meet all intended milestones. I agree how blessed we are to have our special Angels.

angie said...

This post takes me back to exactly a year ago today...the day before my Owen was born. As you can probably recall I was PETRIFIED of having another child with issues. I think what you are feeling is so normal. I pray that this child is healthy and "typical developing". I really think SHE is going to be (wink wink).

Dani said...

I was were you are now just a few months ago when I was pregnant with Cyann our third. Noelle is our second and she has RTS. I felt the same way about having another child. What carried me through those times was always coming back to who allowed me to get pregnant God. He if we let Him will carry us through all the hard times and all the good. God calmed my heart when I finally gave him my baby and told him that I would praise Him no matter what happened. If my baby was healthy or not. I found great comfort in letting go of all those fears and depending on my God.
I will be praying for you. You have encouraged me so much over the last year I hope this encourages you.
lots of love and prayers
dani

Kenzie said...

Jessica-

Girl, the honest thing doesn't always feel right, but it is the truth. Each of our children are so fearfully and wonderfully made and they are uniquely THEM. Some may require much more than others, as the case with Alex, and some may require nothing at all, such as with Maddox, just memories- but honestly, we love each of our children just as they are, but always hope and pray for "normal"... Yes, so many families are so far from that, but a "simple" pregnancy and a healthy baby is definitely a heart's longing. I am praying for no fear, no worries and a perfectly healthy baby sibling for Alex.

Love to you!
Kenzie

Kristi said...

Jessica,
I am 6 weeks away from having this child and I am scared too. I feel the same way you do and I think anyone would. But I have made peace with the reality that I don't know what God is going to hand me. I love Noah to death but of course I don't want another geneticist in my life. I was so scared during my first ultrasound that I was shaking to death.
But when nothing was wrong it was a huge relief. I will be praying so hard for you on the day of your ultrasound.

Finding Normal said...

I'm so sorry you're anxious. I would so be wanting to skip that ultrasound too. You know we love your honesty, and you know we're all praying for a healthy baby. I can't imagine NOT caring about having another diagnosis. It's what keeps me from going for #3.

Jenn said...

Reading your words struck something in me. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but... thank you. Thank you for being transparent. For sharing not only your beautiful son with us, but also your beautiful SELF. Because the truth is... sometimes the truth is so hard to let show.

And for the record, in my mind and heart there is no doubt whatsoever that you love your precious Alex more than life itself.

connie said...

As you have said so many times to me (and it's been a sweet comfort), I wish I could be there with you. Or, at least lived close enough that we could go somewhere where there are no ultrasound machines for a day, and just skip the appointment! :)

I want you to have a healthy and peaceful rest of your pregnancy, birth, delivery, and quick return home with a healthy baby. But I also believe God is watching you closely and loves you dearly, already knows your future and that of your baby, and is preparing such goodness for you, no matter what.

Jacqui said...

Thank you for being real, authentic and genuine. No fakeness about you :)

It is a funny thing though - on the one hand we would not choose to have a child with special needs, but on the other hand we love our child with special needs so much that we can't imagine our life without them. I haven't taken the brave step to fall pregnant again for a number of reasons - and one of those reasons is that a part of me is scared that my second child will have special needs, and I don't want to go down that road again. Despite the fact that I am already on this road with my little Matt.

I am praying that you find God's peace in the midst of settling in to your new house, being pregnant, raising your boys etc etc. Hugs