Tuesday, February 3, 2009

A little too familiar

This pregnancy seems so eerily familiar. I was this far along with Alex, it was cold, I was sick. I had my first doctor appointment in February. Then, I was blissfully unaware of what was to lie ahead. Now I know so much, I know that doctor appointments, and ultrasounds aren't perfect predictors. I want to relax, and enjoy, I know I need to, I know, I know.

All I can think about when things slow down is that lullaby music the hospital plays every time a baby is born. Will I get to have my baby in my arms this time, each time the music plays. Will it haunt me? Will it make me smile?

Will I have to wipe my neck with a transport towel so the baby can smell me, when I'm not there? I'm torturing myself, but I just know too much.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor, I will have an ultrasound at 9:45, I will hear and see the beating heart. I want to enjoy it. This is just all too familiar.

So I try to focus on my days, on my boys, its not hard...........


11 comments:

Finding Normal said...

You can do this. I'm not sure when you'll get to relax in this pregnancy and not be ever vigilant and worried and just haunted. But you will, eventually. I'm praying for you. And hoping beyond hope that watching you go through this will enable me to put my heart out there again. Because I really really want to but I'm so so scared.

Marissa said...

I'm sorry you know too much Jessica. That is not fair. You SHOULD be able to enjoy this pregnancy. I pray that you will. Take comfort and joy in the small things; your wonderful sons, how far Alex has come, and the chance that things won't go wrong again. Of course you will always be worried, I just pray that it won't be constant.

I will be praying for your ultrasound. Let us know how things go.

Love,

Alicia

The VW's said...

I can understand why you are feeling this way. It must be difficult, knowing what you know. I'll be praying that you can find peace throughout this pregnancy and that your ultrasound goes well today!

Following Him said...

Take a breath! You can do this...I do realize that it is scary, but anything is possible. With your doctor's reassurance you will do fine :)
~Elyse~

Holly said...

How scared you must be. Can you remember of the two earlier pregnancies? I know you have a church family, and this is when you need spiritual healing. Share your worries with your pastor. The give that baby up to God and know that whatever He brings you is part of His perfect plan. I wish I could hug you!

Kelly said...

I will be thinking about you today at 9:45. You can do this...enjoy this pregnancy! Work through the thoughts and let them heal you.

By the way, the previous commenter, Holly, is my very best friend. She has been reading and commenting for a while. She loves you guys too!

Kelly W.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Praying for you today and asking God to carry you through each and every anxious thought that comes to you. I am sorry this is so scary for you. I am praying. I love the picture:)

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Cathy said...

Praying for Jessica and all your concerns. Yes you do know so much, but you also know your God! Will be praying for you tomorrow and each and every day for your strength and to feel good enough to care for your growing family. Also for Alex to keep doing all the great things he is doing.

tm in OH said...

praying for you and sending you all the love ~ you have people that care :) i really appreciate the time you take to let us in your world. I am thankful for your friendship!

angie said...

I'm thinking about you and sending you big hugs. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was having the same feelings when pregnant with Owen....it does get easier as the pregnancy progresses (and many 4D ultrasounds helped to ease my mind too). Take care...I have all of my fingers and toes crossed that everything goes perfectly perfect with this pregnancy:).

The Peacock's said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I am sorry you have to be so nervous, just breathe and things will go great. :)