So I have had people asking me how I am doing lately. I haven't posted too much on how I have been because we have been so busy, and things have been really good. Funny, I don't feel like writing down my thoughts when I am doing well.
Things have gotten easier. Alex doesn't throw up everyday, he sleeps well, he is progressing nicely. Its not so hard seeing other babies his age, of course it reminds me of where we aren't at, but it doesn't send a sharp pain into my stomach every time I see a baby crawl by, or watch a baby shove a hand full of crackers in his mouth. I notice, but it doesn't hurt, I just notice. I look at Alex and I know how far he has come, I wish everyone knew all he has accomplished in his short little life, then they would see what he is doing, instead of not doing.
I do still have moments of feeling so completely overwhelmed, not of the present struggles so much, but the future. This will always be in front of me. I have to stay healthy. How in the world can I do this for the rest of my life? Those moments are fleeting, and come less often.
I catch myself watching others with typical children, and still feeling so separated from them, like we live on two separate planets. Then again, I hold tight to the lessons I have learned of what really is important. The other night at Noah's baseball game this mom was getting so angry at her son a 6 or 7 year old because he wouldn't hustle, or be ready on the base, she even told him to plow over any kids in the baseline.She was screaming at him, threatening him. I thought to myself she hasn't had tragedy in her life. To be able to stress, and be obnoxious over a little boys baseball game is beyond me, and I'm glad I'm not there. I also catch myself wishing for the lazy days of the past, things were so easy, sadly I had no idea how easy they were. So of course now I long for those days, those longings are also coming less often.
Sometimes, shh this is a secret. Sometimes I'm even excited, honored, blessed by the fact that I get to raise this special child, I get to witness the joy, and change he brings to others. Oh what others are missing out on. I get to do this. I get to see Alex accomplish, and be changed by him.
So, how am I?
I'm good, I'm thrilled, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm full of joy, I'm hopeful, I'm sad, I'm still adjusting, I'm settled, I'm at peace, I'm messing up, I'm doing my best, I'm glad to be here, I'm afraid of this, I'm finding my purpose, I'm dreaming new dreams.