Friday, September 19, 2008

Im dreaming new dreams

So I have had people asking me how I am doing lately. I haven't posted too much on how I have been because we have been so busy, and things have been really good. Funny, I don't feel like writing down my thoughts when I am doing well.
Things have gotten easier. Alex doesn't throw up everyday, he sleeps well, he is progressing nicely. Its not so hard seeing other babies his age, of course it reminds me of where we aren't at, but it doesn't send a sharp pain into my stomach every time I see a baby crawl by, or watch a baby shove a hand full of crackers in his mouth. I notice, but it doesn't hurt, I just notice. I look at Alex and I know how far he has come, I wish everyone knew all he has accomplished in his short little life, then they would see what he is doing, instead of not doing.
I do still have moments of feeling so completely overwhelmed, not of the present struggles so much, but the future. This will always be in front of me. I have to stay healthy. How in the world can I do this for the rest of my life? Those moments are fleeting, and come less often.
I catch myself watching others with typical children, and still feeling so separated from them, like we live on two separate planets. Then again, I hold tight to the lessons I have learned of what really is important. The other night at Noah's baseball game this mom was getting so angry at her son a 6 or 7 year old because he wouldn't hustle, or be ready on the base, she even told him to plow over any kids in the baseline.She was screaming at him, threatening him. I thought to myself she hasn't had tragedy in her life. To be able to stress, and be obnoxious over a little boys baseball game is beyond me, and I'm glad I'm not there. I also catch myself wishing for the lazy days of the past, things were so easy, sadly I had no idea how easy they were. So of course now I long for those days, those longings are also coming less often.
Sometimes, shh this is a secret. Sometimes I'm even excited, honored, blessed by the fact that I get to raise this special child, I get to witness the joy, and change he brings to others. Oh what others are missing out on. I get to do this. I get to see Alex accomplish, and be changed by him.
So, how am I?
I'm good, I'm thrilled, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm full of joy, I'm hopeful, I'm sad, I'm still adjusting, I'm settled, I'm at peace, I'm messing up, I'm doing my best, I'm glad to be here, I'm afraid of this, I'm finding my purpose, I'm dreaming new dreams.

17 comments:

mary40 said...

I enjoy reading your writings. I can relate to your writing. I am a little farther in my journey. I have a 10.5 year old who should be in the fifth grade but he learn what second graders are learning. He speak like a three or four year old. He has always be behind in his speech and gross and fine motor skills. But he is making his own progress, that his own speed. He is a happy child. He doesn't seem bothered by the fact that his younger brother be able to read etc. better them he does. We rejoice that all of his little achievements.

Nannette said...

Well said, I am so proud of you!!

Our Journey said...

I'm so there with you! Girl, you are great with words! So true, thanks for sharing!

Pinkalicious said...

I am so glad you read that you are in a better spot. You truly have to grieve for awhile--you are grieving the child you dreamed of. Alex is just a different version of that.

I know just how you feel about seeing others and knowing that tragedy has not struck them. I see that too. Sometimes I feel so knowledgeable about what life is all about and sorry that others haven't figured it out yet.

I also know what you mean about how privileged you feel that you were chosen to raise such a special child. God makes no mistakes.

Bless you,
Sara

Julie Keefe said...

Congrats, Jessica...I am so thankful to read this is where you are. The new perspective on what is important is such a blessing...you'll find freedom in it in the most unlikely of places. Thank you, Jesus...for Alex, his precious family, and his Mama!

Steve & Marie Douglas said...

SOMETIMES busy is good!!! Love ya!! MNY PRAYERS FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS... we think of you so often!! Proud of you little Alex!!
MArie

Kelly said...

Great post.
I have also run through all of those emotions and really come to a great place. I feel so lucky to be AnnaKate's mom. Even though I am not getting to do as much typical stuff, I get to do and see other things that "normal" mothers don't get to do or see. Being a parent to a spcial needs child forces you to go to a different place. I am glad of that. It has made me a better person.

siscaboo said...

I am so glad you are getting along better. It is so hard in the beginning. All our hopes and dreams for our children that we had we have to change and that takes a little time to grasp.

Alex is awesome. I read a lot of blogs and Alex has a way of reaching out and grabbing your heart. The way you write and share him with us has everything to do with that. Well, of course his big smile has a lot to do with it too. lol

Thanks so much for letting us know where you are at. It helps others also to know how to pray. I am praying, I haven't stopped.

Laurie said...

I am so proud of Alex and all that he has been teaching you over this first year, wow, he is doing amazing and so are you Jessica. Keep dreaming those new dreams, they are coming to you from God through Alex. What you are learning cannot be taught in books or school, it must be lived and you are doing it so graciously and real each and every day. Alex makes my heart smile every time I think of him. You and Alex have a beautiful ministry that reaches out to others who need to hear what you post. You are a blessing!!

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Kerri H said...

All of us parents of RTS children are so very blessed and lucky! Some days its harder than others to realize that..you're doing great with Alex! Logan has taught me more than I could have ever imagined! I think he's taught my family a lesson or two also! A hero in my book!

Chris and Emily said...

I find myself heading here - doesn't it feel good?

hennhouse said...

I left you an award over at the HennHouse!

Kristi said...

I still have all of those exact feelings that you wrote at the end of your post. They come and go and sometimes I am still overwhelmed but no so much. I still feel pain sometimes but not as bad. I like to see it as feelings that are filed away in my brain that like to come out once in a while. hugs.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

This is such a beautiful post. I think most of us parents with special needs children nodded all the way through it, and then went YES! Me too. Blessed, honored, excited to be the mommy of this beautiful being!

Michelle said...

I totally agree with you about feeling separated from people who have typical children. I feel the same way. I like to do those online surveys and when they ask questions about "my 6 year old" I can never answer correctly because their group of answers doesn't correspond to have a "special" child. It can be frustrating. There have been lots of times when I know I wasn't invited to a kiddie outting because Austin would be overwhelmed or just be a lot of work. It's really rough but when I read my RTS family's emails it makes it all seem so much easier to endure. Thank you.

The VW's said...

I totally get you!

Cathy said...

just wanting you to know I SEE how much Alex has done! He is so awesome and your are such a great, normal,human great mommy! Those feelings are there. We are so lucky to be raising our babies. But we are also human. I remember prior to Annabel with my so called normal children feeling so overwhelmed at times. I think it just some days are better than others. Like you I think I can't do this forever. But God continues to give me what is needed for another day. No all good but not all bad. Please keep writing and keep inspiring with your honesty.