Thursday, February 28, 2008

My heart

I was feeding Alex, and he had a bad reflux and coughed and choked. After my fear of him aspirating was over and he seemed to be ok, I got mad. Mad because I was reading books to Joel and Alex, and suddenly I was full of fear, suddenly our precious moment was stolen as it too often is. Once I calmed down I decided to write:

My heart aches when I see pregnant tummys,
My heart aches when I see healthy babies,
My heart aches because I cant nurse my baby,
My heart aches when I remember the empty feeling in my tummy,
My heart aches because my arms were empty for three weeks,
My heart aches when I remember the lonely nights at his bedside,
My heart aches that there was no homecoming with the new baby,
My heart aches because everything has changed,

My heart rejoices because he is alive,
My heart calms because he is recovering,
My heart celebrates because he is growing so well,
My heart sings when I rock him to sleep,
My heart melts when he smiles at me,
My heart is comforted when I lay him in his own bed,
My heart is glad that we are at home,
My heart is healing because everything has changed.

-----Jessica Pruitt 2008


angie said...

Very well written. I could've written that myself 4 years ago. Now, as I sit here on bed rest with my 2nd child...scared to death of what the future holds for this baby...I found great comfort in your post. It is so nice to know that I'm not the only one that has experienced those feelings. You have the gift of words....expressing them helps to heal. I love the picture of Alex with the sweet potatoes. He is such a sweetie!

Cindy said...


nola said...

What a mixture of emotions we face in times like these - Joy on one hand and sorrow on the other. I think about Joseph in the bible when he was put in prison for something he did not do. This was after his brothers sold him into captivity. I am sure that he felt totally abandoned by God. But Joseph trusted God, even when it looked as if he would spend the rest of his life in prison. As his trust was tried, his character was molded. He became ready for the purpose and plan God had for him and his people. God meant all of it for good. I'm sure Joseph spent long agonizing hours and days in that prison. Then one day the sun began to shine on Joseph and He recieved the delayed blessing that God had for him. It is not the same thing but I am sure Joseph experienced despair and joy in his new kind of normal.
Bless you for sharing with all of us so our hearts can be blessed through your testimony. You have blessed me today!

Kim ( said...

Your boys are precious. I was able to read about Alex some after finding you through Kenzie's blog. I will be praying for your needs and your heart's desires. I know how exausting everything must be - I am overwhelmed with grief right now myself but we will get through all of this with God's grace.
I'm praying,

Julie Keefe said...

hope. love it.