I decided to add music to my blog, I have always loved music, but for the past five months , well that isnt true, for the past three months I havent wanted to listen to it.
On my drives to and from the NICU I would play music, sing along, it helped my heart.
After Alex was in the hospital with pnemonia over Thanksgiving things changed for me, I questioned God, and everyone around me. That was a harder hospital stay than the 6 weeks in the NICU. I was able to praise Him in the storm in St.Louis. I would force myself to praise Him when Alex's O2 wouldnt stay up, when he struggled for breath and you could see every rib on his side. When I watched the doctor stick the breathing tube into his airway. When they x-rayed his little body every three hours. When they pricked his heel at 1:00, 5:00, and 9:00 around the clock for a blood gas. When the geneticist told me he had a syndrome. When he struggled to learn how to suck. When he couldnt have milk in his tummy for three weeks. When I couldnt touch or hold him for two weeks. I made myself praise Him.
After we came home things were going good, and my older boys were happy to have me back, then one month to the day that we came home from St.Louis we were admitted to St.Johns with pnemonia, I was devistated, I felt abandoned by everyone especially God. I have been angry. I have even allowed myself to become numb, it feels better than the anger.
Like the song that is playing says "This hand is bitterness we want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrow" but then it says "the wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow." I am hopefull that tomorrow comes soon for me. While I wait, I see that I am slowly enjoying the todays, and my music helps.