Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Two days ago we got out of the hospital.
Today we went to Koke Mill medical center to see a speech therapist. Our pediatrician recommended her and said she focused on getting babies off of feeding tubes.

She walked into the room and peace followed her. She asked me the question, the question no one has asked me since Alex was born. How are you doing? I couldn't answer her without completely breaking down, so I told her I couldn't answer, and just wanted to move on with our appt.
She held Alex, knew how to hold him to help control his reflux, it was like magic. I haven't seen anyone look at him with such love. He smiled at her, so I think he likes her too.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

November 24, 2007

Our first thanksgiving with Alex in the hospital. I cant think of much to be thankful for. Adam stayed with the older boys to keep things as normal as possible for them. I sat here in our hospital room with Alex. No one has called, visited this entire time. This is so isolating. I am so angry right now. Do people really believe I want to be left alone? I'm too tired to reach out, I'm to angry. I cant live in hospitals anymore. I have two other boys that I have not spent any quality time with since August.
I'm screaming out to God for help, but I do not hear him, see him.
I look out the window of this hospital room and I am so envious of the people walking past, driving by. Going on with their normal lives. I am froze in this hospital room. No answers, and no more hope.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

November 20, 2007

Alex didn't seem right today. Fussy, and then he started to grunt, then the fever. I called the doctor, and they almost told me just to watch him, but I knew things weren't right. Its funny a few days ago I had this feeling things were about to go wrong.
We have been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. They think that Alex has been silently aspirating his bottles. Exactly one month ago we came home from the NICU, things were supposed to get better.
Where is God? I honestly don't know anymore. How can He let this 2 month old baby suffer like this. I'm tired of praying, hoping, believing. Where is He?

Monday, November 5, 2007

November 5, 2007

Everyday seems to flow right into the next. Bottle feed, tube feed, I want just simple baby time.
Where did all my friends go?
Everything has changed. I was just supposed to have a baby and come home. My entire life changed in an instant, and no one sees it.