Friday, March 24, 2017

I'd like a refill please

I love being a nurse. On occasion I love it so much I feel selfish because It heals my soul to help others in their time of need.  I love being a mom, but giving insulin, going to IEP meetings, and worrying about my teenagers is hard.  I love going to school and learning, but studying after a full days work is hard.
Even when we love our job, we cant pour from an empty cup. We cant rely on others to refill us. We cant count on others to bring us happiness because it is no one else's job to take care of me, but me.
My therapy, my refill is the gym, the barbell, even the pain. The sweat, feeling my heart pound, lifting the weight off the ground and increasing my physical strength increases my inner strength. Hearing the plates hit the floor, this is my therapy, it fills me up where nothing else can reach. No words, no ones actions can refill me like the barbell. It is solitude, and it is clarity. It is head vs heart, I am my only competition, I am just me, I can let go.
 People come and go in our lives, people will disappoint us, people change, people lie, but it is no one else's job to take care of me but me. The one place I can refill is the gym. The gym is always there. It is a guarantee that it will give back to me what I put in. It is my therapy. The gym is my therapy. When life gets busy, the first thing I let go of is my love, my therapy, the gym. I feel defeated, and tired, and I want to climb into bed, but I need to refill. I need to take care of me, I need to let it all out in the one place that will always be there waiting for me. The gym. I refuse to let go of this, no matter how tired I get. This is one time I get to put myself first. Refill, so I can pour from myself as a nurse, as a mom, and a student.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Which way shall I go? To the left where nothing is right, or to the right where there is nothing left?

Many of us find ourselves fighting against the waves of life, the waves of what we thought would be our futures, the expectations we had, the plans we held so tightly against that our now waves tossing us around. Fighting these waves of expectation cause us to tire quickly, the struggle against the plans we had hoped for only leaves us tired, as we are tossed about going no where. One of the hardest lessons in life that I have learned is to flow with the currant that I am in.  To stay afloat with grace because we will move forward either in the currant, or fighting the waves.
Sometimes this currant will wash us away from people who threaten our inner peace. Often I find that most people in my life were only meant to be there for a short time, for winter laughter, for summer nights, and some only for dreams. The tides turn, and they are gone on their own currant.  With every goodbye you learn, and you learn, and you learn.
Find places in life that don't walk away, and give back exactly what you put in.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Be Brave and Bloom

Before each shift I find myself having a little bit of anxiety about what is in front of me. I worry I could miss something in the rush of the day. I like to think just a bit of anxiety is a good way not to get too comfortable at my job, and stay on my toes.
 I remember waking up each morning when Alex had just come home from the NICU with a knot in my gut. NG tube care, projectile reflux, aspiration pneumonia were constant worries each and everyday.  Then with Max, going to bed at night worrying if his blood sugar will drop too low.

Just as I did then with Alex, and just as I do when I lay in bed at night, when I walk into work I take each task as it comes, and when it is overwhelming I remind myself how far I have come, what I have learned, all the battles I have won, and all the fears I have overcome. I tell myself to be brave, and bloom.
I took this picture near the farm I grew up on.
Always keep your face to the sunshine so you cant see the shadows. Its what the sunflowers do.

"I think we are all golden sunflowers inside." Allen Ginsberg

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Eyelashes

Naps are typically something we view as a way to gain energy, improve mental focus, and boost alertness. When a child takes a nap we like to gaze at their long eyelashes, chubby cheeks, and angelic breathing. However, when that child is a type 1 diabetic you're anxiety increases, worry weighs on you, and fears about their future are at the forefront of your mind as you wonder if they are too low and falling into a coma, or headed into DKA and a trip to the ER. 


Sunday, March 12, 2017

Spider

"A spider lives inside my head, who weaves a strange and wondrous web of silken threads and silver strings to catch all sorts of flying things, like crumbs of thoughts and bits of smiles and specks of dried up tears. And dust of dreams that catch and cling for years and years and years...." #spider #spiderweb #photooftheday #authorunknown