Friday, August 4, 2017

Dark shadows

"The spirit of her invincible heart guided her through the shadows" -Gabriel Garcia Marquez

When I think about, and am haunted by the shadows in my life this is where I find inspiration, and drive as a nurse.
The darkness that overtook me when I watched doctors 2 feet away tilt Alex's head to open up his tiny airway, and intubate him, his heart racing at over 300 beats per minute.
The day I understood he was behind his peers. The moment I knew this was a life long commitment of full on parenting. I will say that again, life long parenting.
The night Max had a blood sugar of 633 and nothing but reality stared in my face. Forever, until there is a cure my five year old would be fighting a disease. Laying in the hospital room crying as quietly as I could so he would see nothing but brave on his moms face. The dark shadow that surrounds me every night while I fight sleep, and try to will his blood sugars to stay above 60.
The pain of losing people I love...
I take these moments, the pain, the shadows to work. In these shadows I can meet those people in their shadows, and truly say you are not alone. This hurts, it is overwhelming, and it is fucking scary, but you are not alone. As a nurse I see people facing death, Im there when their heart stops beating. The family at a loss. The world is going to keep turning, but here is my hand.
I love being a nurse, and I am invincible from my shadows when I am a nurse. They follow me everywhere, but I am not alone, not as a nurse.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

July 30

You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment, and everything has changed, but I am more me than ever before. Same Marathon.......

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Friday, July 14, 2017

If it should have, it would have.

Sometimes that is a hard lesson to learn.
When Alex was born I was so concerned with his brothers feeling left out.
There is a saying in the world of differently abled parenting and their siblings "if they are special what am I?" As time has passed I see that my boys have learned, and grown to roll with the punches, and to do it with kindness.
No routine necessary.
Teaching them to accept, then act, and continue to move forward just might be the greatest success I have in life. Throw in type one diabetes and we have learned to roll with the punches, and love each other during the process.......